No Forward, and No Reverse

No forward, and no reverse means there is only now. When only now is important, that is where attention lies. If now requires something in the apparent future, then that is attended to. But it's really not in the future.

My memory is fading because the past is not important. Memory is fading because it has no meaning. In fact, so much of what I would have fought and died for, has lost its meaning.

Why? It appears to be because there is less and less of me. I cry, laugh, feel sad, even depressed, but it has no root. These feelings are not the be all and end all that they used to be.

To live in the world and not have the same sense of things as what I used to call normal, is difficult. It's difficult because of all the expectations. But when there is no belief in the expectations, when the underlying assumptions are all gone, one feels like an impostor, an actor, playing a game.

The term "egojis" was given by a hermit to all those he was avoiding. I understand. When egos are not taken as fact, when they are seen as unreal, having to put energy into responding drains one.

The will seems to be pulled out from under one, and one does what needs to be done, only. Any more than that seems a waste. Much of normal human behavior seems a waste.

Loss of meaning has results. One can't get into looking at the past. That normal behavior is gone. When memory has no meaning, what becomes of old family pictures, graduation books, the stories you once believed?

When any meaning in the past goes, how to you relate to the rest of the world? You become tolerant or run screaming to a cave.

One's life becomes simply what do I want now, and what do I need now? No future. No plans, or as few as possible seems best. Energy for planning just isn't there. One somehow intuitively knows that if one is supposed to go somewhere, it will happen. More than that is just too difficult.

The shell of the ego is still there. It may be a structure without foundation, but like the human skeleton, the structure remains.

So, one has to deal with what is known as guilt. But it is a funny guilt, because it's more like a feeling of, "I should feel this way or that. I should have feelings about this or that." But this is just the dregs of past conditioning.

It's like being one thing for many years and then discovering that you are not that thing. That thing drops away and you are this other. And this other doesn't relate. The hold of the past, the story, holds no weight.

There is a sense of meaning, feelings, and ideas just dropping away. Not being forced away, but a seeing that just doesn't allow for holding them any longer.

Pangs of guilt occur about not caring anymore about things one used to care about. And there are consequences when others perceive one as off. But if they can't sense the loss you have experienced, they can't know. They are innocent, yet their expectations can't be met.

The many want you to be one of them, but in the end, there is only one.

Morality

There really isn't any morality to This. Just love. If I was supposed to be in the heart of Africa saving starving children, I would be there. I haven't gotten that call, so I'm just here. Of course I could be tapped on the shoulder tomorrow to go, There really wouldn't be any choice about it would there?

The starving children aren't separate from this. I can't understand it. But I don't need to understand it, do I? I don't need to understand it to do something about it. Neither do I need to understand to not do anything about it.

This is pretty sad. But then again, it's the way it IS. And the way it is is not something I can do anything about. Unless I do. Apparently my place right now is not to. Why? I don't know.

I am where I am because that is the way it is. I can think about things and do nothing. Most of the time anyway. Sometimes I do something about what I think is wrong. But I don't know I'm going to do it until I do.

Morality is a fine thing for apparent persons. Especially when it's a morality that works.

Lording it over others with righteous arrogance isn't a very good morality, but it seems to be the norm. Pat yourself on the back.

I didn't know I was going to sit down and write about morality. It just happened. And I don't know anything about it anyway.

The Mystery

I am the Mystery. But I don't know anything about it. As soon as I want to know more about it, I'm trying to step away from it, but I can't, because I am the Mystery. The Mystery and I are not separate, though I can feel that I am separate from it, and must remind myself that it is not the truth.

I am the Mystery, and any thought about it just deepens the Mystery. There is no mastery of this, only the end of searching.

I am the Mystery. Each apparent person writes a chapter or two of this Mystery. But the Mystery is never solved. It doesn't need to be solved. You could say it was already solved before you thought it was a Mystery.

I am the Mystery, and if I try and find the answer, it's only the mystery playing another round. There is nowhere to go. Nothing to find. Finding is already here, present and accounted for.

The Mystery is all there is. So what are you looking for? Really, you should just start laughing. It's really funny. You cant' find what's already here, can you?

There isn't really any mystery to it if you just accept the Mystery. Then it's just floating with it. Or really within it. Or really just It.