Saturday, June 6, 2009

No Forward, and No Reverse

No forward, and no reverse means there is only now. When only now is important, that is where attention lies. If now requires something in the apparent future, then that is attended to. But it's really not in the future.

My memory is fading because the past is not important. Memory is fading because it has no meaning. In fact, so much of what I would have fought and died for, has lost its meaning.

Why? It appears to be because there is less and less of me. I cry, laugh, feel sad, even depressed, but it has no root. These feelings are not the be all and end all that they used to be.

To live in the world and not have the same sense of things as what I used to call normal, is difficult. It's difficult because of all the expectations. But when there is no belief in the expectations, when the underlying assumptions are all gone, one feels like an impostor, an actor, playing a game.

The term "egojis" was given by a hermit to all those he was avoiding. I understand. When egos are not taken as fact, when they are seen as unreal, having to put energy into responding drains one.

The will seems to be pulled out from under one, and one does what needs to be done, only. Any more than that seems a waste. Much of normal human behavior seems a waste.

Loss of meaning has results. One can't get into looking at the past. That normal behavior is gone. When memory has no meaning, what becomes of old family pictures, graduation books, the stories you once believed?

When any meaning in the past goes, how to you relate to the rest of the world? You become tolerant or run screaming to a cave.

One's life becomes simply what do I want now, and what do I need now? No future. No plans, or as few as possible seems best. Energy for planning just isn't there. One somehow intuitively knows that if one is supposed to go somewhere, it will happen. More than that is just too difficult.

The shell of the ego is still there. It may be a structure without foundation, but like the human skeleton, the structure remains.

So, one has to deal with what is known as guilt. But it is a funny guilt, because it's more like a feeling of, "I should feel this way or that. I should have feelings about this or that." But this is just the dregs of past conditioning.

It's like being one thing for many years and then discovering that you are not that thing. That thing drops away and you are this other. And this other doesn't relate. The hold of the past, the story, holds no weight.

There is a sense of meaning, feelings, and ideas just dropping away. Not being forced away, but a seeing that just doesn't allow for holding them any longer.

Pangs of guilt occur about not caring anymore about things one used to care about. And there are consequences when others perceive one as off. But if they can't sense the loss you have experienced, they can't know. They are innocent, yet their expectations can't be met.

The many want you to be one of them, but in the end, there is only one.


No One In Particular said...

Hi Maury, I really know what you're on about. But there can be a falling in love with this. There's not really a process, but it seems for a lot of apparent individuals, there is a kind of male detachment before there is an earthy female falling in love. Falling in love with this, when there is no one doing it, is quite spectacular. The mind/body thingy, or your character, call it what you like, can actually seem to have more personality and quirks; what some might dismiss as ego responses, just arise, and the character is celebrated, reveled in, as are all the other apparent characters encountered. Using "I" loosely, I am in love with this. All the warring egos, all the destruction, all the creativity, all the deep engagement. Empty yet miraculous, meaningless yet astounding.

msayers said...

It sounds horrible almost. I found myself imagining what it must be like to not care about much of what goes on as I read this. In some respects I'm already there, and always thought I should feel this way or that because I was supposed to. So I understand the guilt of not having those cares or worries. Apparently I come at it from a different perspective, however, as I have not "realized". Great post!

No One In Particular said...

Don't worry, Maury. You worry too much! Have a nice bowl of chicken soup, either a "real" one or one for the soul. As that Jesus upstart said, apparently, you must lose yourself to gain the whole world. The whole world doesn't suck!

Maury said...

Thanks. There is only this, yet at times one appears to spiral down for a deeper dose, a taste of demons, a challenge. It begs more looking, more letting go, all the while already perfect oneness.

The "Grand Indifference," as Merrell-Wolf called it, works for me. Male detachment seems a little scary!

Actually, when my allergies kick in, I fall into a self dissociation, a detachment that is physically felt, as well as mentally experienced.

I used to think it was mental, but for me it has a physical cause. When the season is over, the detachment ends.

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue.

Maury said...

Thanks M. Sayers for your comment. J. Krishnamurti has spoken most eloquently about acknowledging what one feels without judgment. He also asked that we see our judgments without judging them. Doing that can be a real education.

There is no prescription, just the telling of stories.

Maury said...

Suzanne, I had duck eggs for breakfast, not quite chicken soup, but same genre.

Worry is stupid caring, and feeling separate. Sometimes I get into it.

No One In Particular said...

Well, actually, nothing wrong with worrying. And J. Krishnamurti, despite saying he was in love with this, seemed to really hate a lot of the appearance. Although not as much as U. Krishnamurti. Anyway, who the hell is it acknowledging who's feelings, and who is not judging? All that stuff, and everything else, just comes up. No one does a thing. No one ever has.

Charlie Hayes said...

after the 'me' is 'deconstrucetd'...

So you have looked into the sense of me and found nothing. You have asked "who am I" and it's clear there is NO "I". "You" fell through the "net of concepts" free and clear. Yet something (or no thing) is still bloody well HERE, isn't it? What is REAL, AFTER The Fall? What is That which BOTH IS AND IS NOT, and PRIOR TO "I AM"? Is it LESS than Nothing, MORE Than Everything, undoubtedly REAL and undoubtedly UNREAL? What-Is-This that IS and IS NOT? What is That cannot-know-yet-IS? I call That Absolute Freedom, The Bliss Of Being. But THAT is NOT what languages fails to say and be! Who cares what "it" is called!? THAT is NOT an IT at all. There IS NO "IT".

LOL .......... so what!? Well, hello! Would you like a cookie? How about a nice game of Hide-And-Seek!?

Maury said...

Right on Charlie. The body breathes, but no one is breathing it. Stories dissolve into nothing which is all that is.

Venk At Ease said...


Simple Amazing

I just happen to see your blog with a unknown pull and realized My God.. This is exactly i am going thru..

thank you so much for sharing this..

Maury said...

Venk, Nice of you to comment. The lonely misunderstood genius is a travesty. If enough folk who are going through something that doesn't relate to the norm, write it and put it out there, it may be very helpful to someone. A shared experience can be a Godsend. I've had a number of life changing "Ahas" from something read on-line.

Just lately I haven't written much as no words will do. But things change. At least I got to write something in response to your comment. God bless!

Venk At Ease said...

Thank you Maury

Sharing is beautifull..Especially when something deeper hits you..thats when you start having self doubts also.. When you see someone go thru similar depth you gain confidence..

Thanks again..