Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Waiting to Stub My Toe

The joke around my home is that any day now I might stub my toe and become enlightened. Not like getting it from a flower, eh? "Oh my, where has the Buddha gone?"

I love the intellect, my own especially, but it can get tiresome. Without the intellect, certain development may not be possible, but at some point, the intellect is a barrier. I am, perhaps, at the barrier.

Writing another brilliant line of words is not going to please me. Nor another good book to read. I've read plenty. Another Satori would be fine. However, on the map of where I am, who knows?

Took a two week vacation in Arizona and it was quite fun. It had rained and the whole desert was in bloom. Did lots of hiking with my wife. We even managed to get lost in the desert with no food or water. There were plenty of coyote trails, but in over four hours we didn't see another person. We had to follow our footprints to get back to our car. Got a good tan.

We went to Arizona to attend an all day lecture by Dr. David R. Hawkins. I did not need to attend, and I can't say that I got any woo woo from being in his presence, but it was the only thing we could get motivated by, to leave home and travel.

There were people from all over the world. As Hawkins is in his eighties, he is not likely to be giving a lot more lectures. Krishnamurti died before I could see him, and I had airline tickets in hand. Didn't want a repeat of that.

There is a space where meaning and essence are beyond words, not explainable, not provable, but experienced. Been there done that. It's the coming down from there that's the bummer.

A jolt of that much essence is like the best drug high you couldn't even imagine. So, once experienced, it's pretty boring dropping back into the way things were before you knew better. But knowing better and being there are two different things.

When you tell God you want to surrender, he takes you at your word. The whole universe will conspire to let you prove it. The dealer says, "Pick another card. Oh, shit, it's go to jail and don't pass Go."

Purgatory is here. It's where you play the game. The ups, the downs. Oh, the humanness of it all! If you've had a taste of ecstasy, not the drug, but the natural high of unmitigated source, everything else is just so so. Limbo land.

However, having had the taste, having had the view, anything less is a wasteland of okayness. There is much peace here, contentment, but not joy. Certainly not the overwhelming experience of beauty that really kicks your ass!

Perhaps I can take solace from Milton, who said that, "He who stands and waits, also serves." I am waiting. I am on the edge of moving on, but moving on cannot be forced. And waiting with expectancy is okay. Just a little boring.

There is little will power here, and I am not the doer. I can pray, but don't often feel like it. I can contemplate, but my mind is asleep. So best to wait. I ponder when it arises unbidden. I rest in the knowing that all is well, whether I feel it or not.

Thanks to "know one in particular" for asking me how I was doing. So, now you have it.

God bless, Maury


Anonymous said...

Are you in the 'dark night of the soul' where you've had a glimpse?

Maury Lee said...

No dark night of the soul now. Had that a long, long time ago. My feeling is that the taste of enlightenment, satori, sets your goal, you know the end, there's just a lot crap to let go of if you want to be able to stay in heaven.

Svante Odmark said...

Where is the "I" that is not the doer? Is there an "I" to be either the doer or not the doer? Where is the "I" that is waiting?

Anonymous said...

I love your perspective on life. In your blogs you put all my thoughts and feelings into words. You are amazing. I accidently found your blog a week or so ago, and I couldn't stop reading. Please write more, soon.

Maury Lee said...

Ramana Maharshi said to find the "I of the I". There is the perception of two, even while all is one. I have no problem acknowledging both.

I am only trying to write honestly of where I am, how I feel, how I perceive. The correctness of the position regarding non dual perception, belief, experience, etc. does not come into the picture.

Svante Odmark said...

That sounds great, Maury. My comment was in no way intended to suggest some kind of correction! I just put down the questions arising here in response to reading your beautiful post.

Maury Lee said...

Excellent Svante. I should have known better. I'm a little sensitive about correctness in regard to spiritual exploration.

Svante Odmark said...

Wonderful. I guess any true explorer of Life will develop a sound sensitivity regarding claims of correctness/incorrectness.