Fear on Realization

Realization does not always cause fear. Sometimes it's a relief. In my case it was gradual. I kept telling my teacher, "I feel like I'm dying." But it wasn't scary. It was just strange. It felt crazy, out of this world, but not scary. It felt like I had lost my mind, but nobody noticed.

I still had to eat and go to work, and I did. I didn't go around talking about dying, or loosing my mind. I had found out long before that the pursuit I was on, and the things I had discovered, were not discussed in polite company.

My favorite mantra at the time was, "The difference between a schizophrenic and a mystic is that a mystic knows when to keep his mouth shut." I practiced that. After all, the real guru is inside, and it speaks silently.

Perhaps I had read enough of the great sages and mystics to know that the dying was just a dissolution of the ego, and that in the end all would be well. So, I just went with the collapse and loss of identity.

It turned out well. The ego is just a tool. It falls into place. It steps aside and doesn't try to run the show. When it's no longer the top dog, things become peaceful, easy, spontaneous. That's my experience.