A Peaceful Mind

There may not be different truths, but there certainly are different levels of understanding. Having determined that I was missing something, I went looking. I read everything in psychology, philosophy and religion. I did therapy. There was progress, and suffering lessened. The process I went through could only be described as deconditioning. It stands to reason that this had to happen because I had beliefs, and misunderstandings that had to be undone. Unfortunately there were layers and layers that needed undoing, and that takes time. I remember telling so many people that I was cursed. Why? Because I had this mission to find the truth, and I could not let it go. It was karma. I had no control over it. The pursuit was a given, a fact of my life that was not to be denied. The result of all this inquiry, this undoing, was a more and more peaceful mind. Instead of a million conflicting thoughts, only a few major questions remained. There was now enough space to contemplate these few. These were now fundamental questions, subtle questions. After forty years of this process, with mental anguish much diminished, I found Advaita Vedanta. What was beautiful about it was that it corresponded to my experience. For example, Advaita says that one must be qualified to understand it.

I remember telling so many people that I was cursed. Why? Because I had this mission to find the truth, and I could not let it go. It was karma. I had no control over it. The pursuit was a given, a fact of my life that was not to be denied.

The fundamental fear is death. We want permanent happiness, and we cannot avoid wanting this even though life contains a lot of suffering. The existential question has always been, "Is this all there is?" Perhaps we could not even ask this question if on some level we knew that this was not the case. When I was in my twenties, I suffered greatly. It was mental anguish, and it manifested in the body in various ways. The suffering was so great that I could only surmise that this had to be an error. No being would choose to live if this were the truth. The only conclusion was that I had a error, a misunderstanding. It turns out that I was correct. There may not be different truths, but there certainly are different levels of understanding. Having determined that I was missing something, I went looking. I read everything in psychology, philosophy and religion. I did therapy. There was progress, and suffering lessened. The process I went through could only be described as deconditioning. It stands to reason that this had to happen because I had beliefs, and misunderstandings that had to be undone. Unfortunately there were layers and layers that needed undoing, and that takes time. I remember telling so many people that I was cursed. Why? Because I had this mission to find the truth, and I could not let it go. It was karma. I had no control over it. The pursuit was a given, a fact of my life that was not to be denied. The result of all this inquiry, this undoing, was a more and more peaceful mind. Instead of a million conflicting thoughts, only a few major questions remained. There was now enough space to contemplate these few. These were now fundamental questions, subtle questions. After forty years of this process, with mental anguish much diminished, I found Advaita Vedanta. What was beautiful about it was that it corresponded to my experience. For example, Advaita says that one must be qualified to understand it. A major qualification for a student of Advaita Vedanta is a quiet mind. Various yogas are prescribed to obtain a quiet mind so that one can hear and understand. I never liked meditation, but I was contemplative and inquisitive. I was a knowledge seeker. It just so happens that one of the yogas is Jnana yoga (knowledge yoga). Jnana yoga is a thinkers yoga, best for intellectuals. That fit me to a tee. Vedanta also goes through a process of stripping away false premises. That's what I had been doing. In other words, what I had been doing was what Vedanta proposed. Vedanta confirmed a process I had been doing for years. I did not on my own come up with the answer. I was close, but Advaita Vedanta not only supplied the answers, but the questions as well. Right before my eyes was a complete system pointing the way out of the wilderness. It also confirmed a process I had been doing for forty years. Vedanta is very scientific, very thorough, and provides the means of knowledge to know the Self. It confirmed my experience that a primary requirement is a quiet satvic mind. By the time I found the complete teaching (the means of knowledge) I was ready. It was a quick trip to realization once the means of knowledge was found. It is humbling to know that this knowledge has been around for thousands of years. "There is nothing new under the sun," is a true statement. It is also true that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When I was ready, I found Vedanta. I had found the Christian mystics much help. And I found the Indian sages extremely helpful, but it was the actual study of Advaita Vedanta that finally brought peace.