No Forward, and No Reverse

No forward, and no reverse means there is only now. When only now is important, that is where attention lies. If now requires something in the apparent future, then that is attended to. But it's really not in the future.

My memory is fading because the past is not important. Memory is fading because it has no meaning. In fact, so much of what I would have fought and died for, has lost its meaning.

Why? It appears to be because there is less and less of me. I cry, laugh, feel sad, even depressed, but it has no root. These feelings are not the be all and end all that they used to be.

To live in the world and not have the same sense of things as what I used to call normal, is difficult. It's difficult because of all the expectations. But when there is no belief in the expectations, when the underlying assumptions are all gone, one feels like an impostor, an actor, playing a game.

The term "egojis" was given by a hermit to all those he was avoiding. I understand. When egos are not taken as fact, when they are seen as unreal, having to put energy into responding drains one.

The will seems to be pulled out from under one, and one does what needs to be done, only. Any more than that seems a waste. Much of normal human behavior seems a waste.

Loss of meaning has results. One can't get into looking at the past. That normal behavior is gone. When memory has no meaning, what becomes of old family pictures, graduation books, the stories you once believed?

When any meaning in the past goes, how to you relate to the rest of the world? You become tolerant or run screaming to a cave.

One's life becomes simply what do I want now, and what do I need now? No future. No plans, or as few as possible seems best. Energy for planning just isn't there. One somehow intuitively knows that if one is supposed to go somewhere, it will happen. More than that is just too difficult.

The shell of the ego is still there. It may be a structure without foundation, but like the human skeleton, the structure remains.

So, one has to deal with what is known as guilt. But it is a funny guilt, because it's more like a feeling of, "I should feel this way or that. I should have feelings about this or that." But this is just the dregs of past conditioning.

It's like being one thing for many years and then discovering that you are not that thing. That thing drops away and you are this other. And this other doesn't relate. The hold of the past, the story, holds no weight.

There is a sense of meaning, feelings, and ideas just dropping away. Not being forced away, but a seeing that just doesn't allow for holding them any longer.

Pangs of guilt occur about not caring anymore about things one used to care about. And there are consequences when others perceive one as off. But if they can't sense the loss you have experienced, they can't know. They are innocent, yet their expectations can't be met.

The many want you to be one of them, but in the end, there is only one.