Monday, November 11, 2019

The Balance

I may not know who I am, or what I am, but I do know that I exist and that I did not create myself. I am speaking from the human perspective, from the body and mind that I am hard wired to know as myself. As such I have to admit that I did NOT create myself. I find myself here, knowing nothing.

Slowly but surely, with the help of my parents, relatives, and others, I have been indoctrinated into certain beliefs and attitudes. Being totally dependent on the adults in my environment, I must at least fake adoption of the surrounding values in order to survive.

First I had to learn what those around me thought and believed, modified by the actual behaviors of people in the culture. Obviously, people reflect the culture in which they are raised, adopting the attitudes and beliefs so as to survive. Individuation is a must, but this is usually just enough to make a living for myself, and have a few hobbies.

With this in mind, how is it that we come to the conclusion that "I am living my dream. I'm doing it my way." How does one hang on to that idea? Free will? Doesn't this seem a little preposterous?

The greatest freedom one can find, it seems to me, is to search for that which created me. Only that would have the answer as to what and who I am. Isn't this the ground of the search for truth, the holy grail, the corner stone of the religious or spiritual quest?

It seems a fruitless task to take off on this quest, seeing that one is limited, facing the entire created universe which one barely comprehends. Do we stop here because our unknowing is such a great obstacle?

It is very difficult to challenge our cultural and family heritage. None of us like psychological insecurity. So stepping out past the edge of knowing into the unknown is a big step. There is going to be a free fall psychologically. But, to do this willingly, is the beginning of courage.

Once we've stepped off the edge and begun the journey, where do we stop? Isn't there always going to be a huge pit of the unknown, even if we find God, the Absolute, Brahman, whatever?

For myself, the search ended with a shift of identity. It was a move from identity as a small body and mind, to identity with the larger essence of that which created me. This of course leaves much to be desired. There is still the enormous field of the unknown.

But there is a deep satisfaction, a deep sense of coming home.  When one has gone beyond the limited self, to being, and trusting the Absolute, the creator of this small body-mind, a certain peace does arrive. After all, what could the Absolute create with but itself?

Realization is just an apt description of finding that one is more than the little self separate self. It is to find an identify that includes the whole. It brings a sense of security that has been called "The peace that passes understanding."

The paradox is, that the little self remains. It's just not all there is of you. You are the whole as well. The search for satisfaction may end, but a heap of unknown remains. Where does this leave us?

It leaves us with a paradoxical balance. On the one hand we have an expanded identity which we trust. On the other, the free fall into the unknown remains. Both exist in a balance of confidence and unknowing.

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