Spiritual Boot Camp

There is a continual dieing until dead. We are not talking about death of the body, but the death of ego, persona -- the little self that wasn't, can't be, and isn't.

As that little self dies it leaves a trail of dusty memories that seem like fantasies, a trail of habits that seem unusable, a trail of something that used to be that just can't be found anymore.

When the little self is seen through as dust glittering under the lamp shade light, what signifies the dust? What causes are there to be examined and analyzed?

Change the world? Save the world? To what end? If this is a training ground, and not a Monopoly game, is it not perfect already?

If this is where we come to evolve, to find meaning in apparent chaos, is this not the perfect place? If we are here to choose amongst unknown results by doing the right thing, is this not perfection in action?

Existential angst is part of the course. At twenty, it has its place -- at forty-five, still being there is a travesty. It is but a right of passage.

This world was never meant to satisfy. It is only a pointer, pointing beyond itself. It points to spirit, to the unmanifest, to awareness. It requires the evolution consciousness; to rising above effects. 

As wisdom teaches, we are responsible for the effort, not  the result. That leaves only the moral high ground, which we must choose, and choose again.

We save the world only by changing ourselves. Do not discount the effect of doing the inner work. The work of each of us is to become what we want the world to be. The world does not change until we do.

We are the evolution of consciousness. The world is our own projection and the necessary change is inside, not outside. The perfection of our inner world is the only hope to a brighter future. The world need not change, but each of us is responsible for ours.

Does the world seem hard? It was meant to be that way. It points beyond itself, and that beyond resides in you. Don't look out there, it is only a reflection of in here.

The world is perfect as it is -- boot camp for the evolution of consciousness. You are the only one required to graduate. Look within and all that need be changed is there.

Remaining Knots - Kundalini

Dear Anonymous,

Funny that you should ask. Some symptoms remain. Just lately the nerves in my right arm were inflamed and causing problems, mostly at night. It seems to run along the nerves inside the muscle and surfaces in small sores. Could be kundalini, but it could also be too much use of the mouse at work. Anyone's guess.

I continue to have a feeling of fullness, pressure, and fogginess in my head. It is as if I can feel my brain physically in my skull. It feels like there is much going on physically, but no thinking. The physical reaction to the pressure in my head leads to resistance and therefore a stiff neck. Going to the Chiropractor every couple weeks helps a lot.

When spiritual work is intense, the intent is conscious, but all that is being worked on may not be. This may be why my dreams have been waking me up and becoming conscious. I have related some of them to a wonderful madman who remembers my dreams from thirty years ago. To him they are dreams of individuation. My experience is that there is almost no one here at all.

The ongoing spirit work leaves little left for engagement with the world. I go to work every day and function well, but it has little meaning. There is a physical tiredness. Dealing with the world is a drag and contributes to feeling tired. Of course, this could be just getting older.

It seems that what people say is coming from a distance, through a veil. Not just like being hard of hearing, but as if they are speaking in some other language that I am unfamiliar with. Makes me feel like I am slow to respond.

Having no expectations seems to exacerbate this.
No other knots, or symptoms that I am really aware of.

I have not written on my my blog in several months as there seems nothing to say. Opinions don't matter. The truth is already present and nothing is really happening anyway.

My mind is silent. So silent, if I didn't have a physical body, I wouldn't know I was here. The silence is full, like completeness that has already happened. There is no useful pursuit of meaning in the world.

As far as gurus go. I have some correspondence with several. All are my teachers. The most profound for me are the works of Dr. David Hawkins. I can go back to his books, "The Eye of the I," and "I: Reality and Subjectivity repeatedly. A few pages is enough to unconsciously contemplate during an entire day, or even a week. I have met Dr. Hawkins and he is the genuine article.

I have no compunction to write at all. Responding to a question seems appropriate. God bless.

The Seekers Last Prayer

What is left are the tattered rags of a flag at half mast. Nothing left but the dregs from the bottom of the barrel.

The old wine has long been drained. This vessel is empty, needing to be refilled.

There is no will left to cross over. The other side is only dimly in view. A world away. Only grace will do.

Fill this empty vessel with new wine. Fill it to the brim with divine fuel. Let it overflow.

Stuff this newly filled vessel with these tattered rags. Shake this bottle and soak these rags.

Light this broken hearted Molotov cocktail and burn it with your love. Let divine light burn brightly evermore.

Free as a Bird

As long as the ego, the person, is in the foreground, free will appears to be there. For a person, "free will" is highly prized, and regarded as essential.

I remember a few years ago, while out to lunch with a couple of associates, having a conversation about free will. I was explaining that from my personal investigation, there was none. Well, you can imagine, this did not go over well.

In fact, the other two could not even believe that I was serious. "How could you not believe in free will," they said.

One of them, quite seriously said, "If I thought I had no "free will" I would get a gun and shoot myself."

I replied, "You wouldn't even be able to stop yourself because your ego couldn't abide the thought. Where is your freedom in that?"

My two associates just shook their heads and looked at me as if I was from another planet.

I knew of course, that from the position of a normal person, to not believe in "free will" was absurd. If you don't believe in free will, how can you be a separate person?

No "free will" pretty much assures that one is part of a whole, a spoke in a wheel, a cog in a giant machine. The ego is not going to accept that.

It didn't bother me not having free will. In fact, I was at peace with this position because I was committed to truth. My conclusion that there was no free will was arrived at through painstaking consideration and contemplation.

I can agree that on first realizing that there was no free will, there was period of angst and a long period of adjustment. To be sure, if one's meaning is tied to being a person, free will is essential. Discovering that you have none is a rather existential moment. Loss of meaning is not only possible, but highly likely.

In time, however, instead of seeing myself as a little being with no free will, living out a proscribed life, I came to see that I was bigger than a little body, and a little mind.

I came to see that if I had no free will, no independence, no choice, then I must be part of, or at one with, something much larger. How could I be separate from that?

On examination I could see that the larger self could be nothing but the whole thing. If there were no separate independent parts, everything was an integral part of the whole.

The only thing left to do was to discover what embraces the whole world? Or, another way to look at it, what is the world made of?  What perceives everything, from any angle, from any position? Can it be anything other than conscious awareness?

That which creates the universe and perceives it does not have an issue with bondage or freedom because it is everything. It enjoys the varied perceptions from the many beings it creates.

That which is everything must certainly enjoy the varied egoic positions and viewpoints of each human being. But, it is not limited by any particular form, perception, or egoic pattern.

As I am That, freedom or bondage is not an issue. I am That, which is everything, free as a bird, a tree, a star, a universe.

Always That

Everything you experience is That. To go looking for an experience of the Self has to be self defeating because you cannot find what you already are. You cannot experience anything that is not the Self, so where can you go to find it? What is really required is recognition, often called realization.

Realization is an understanding, and the beauty of this understanding, is that you don't have to be experiencing oneness or bliss to know who you are. This is why Vedanta is considered knowledge, and why it is the knowledge that ends the search.

Of course, if you want to pursue experience, you can find ones that are blissful and unitary. Experiences of mystical union, however short, can have profound effects. There is probably nothing that feels better than the ecstasy of the experience of oneness. These experiences, however wonderful, may not lead to understanding.

To chase after the experience of oneness can be frustrating, because, as an experience, it doesn't last. And if you make the error that the experience of oneness is enlightenment, you will set yourself up for a lifetime of searching, because no experience lasts.

Experiences of oneness, bliss, and ecstasy can, however, point to understanding. They become part of your understanding. They can contribute to the knowledge you need to understand who you are. It is a boon to experience oneness, as opposed to the limited experience we typically have.

When the experience of oneness is gone, understanding is what keeps you on an even keel. What really helps is firm conviction and sureness as to our real being. The knowledge of our actual beingness as Awareness. One with all that is.

Knowing oneself as Awareness keeps one from continually looking for a particular experience. With understanding, one doesn't mind the particular experiences of a limited human form. They are just an experience, not who you are.

Awareness sees through many forms, and experiences what is particular to that form. Awareness, as John Doe, picks up the qualities and positions that make up John Doe. This is experience, and it may feel limited, but it is not who you are.

To get beyond limitation requires understanding. It requires an understanding that is deep and broad, seeing that the whole world is but a myriad of local focal points superimposed on oneness. Only understanding will take you beyond experience.

The understanding is twofold. The first is to see that everything is a form of the One. The second is to see that you are That One. Seeing this is understanding.

Being Awareness

Interestingly, being awareness is a big picture, yet it does not deny the body, nor the mind. The bodymind simply recedes into the background, a shift in perspective, a change of gestalt.

Knowing one is awareness does not alter the presence of a body, nor personality. So, one may say that as awareness I do not suffer, yet the body, the personality may still do so.

Granted, from the perspective of awareness, the bodymind seems to be at a distance; not as close or as personal as it once was. So, suffering may be lessened as identity does not reside with it.

The bodymind does not disappear, yet in some respects the presence of it may be more noticeable because one is able to see it more objectively, more dispassionately.

When the bodymind becomes an object in the field, just as other objects in the field, one is aware of it as any object, although of course, it has greater sublety.

Obviously, awareness allows anything in the field to appear. Anything may happen. The bodymind will still like or dislike according to its preferences, but the preferences will have less hold.

As awareness, the demands of the bodymind certainly have less drive. The bodymind may well be amazed at the lack of drive -- gone, like a leaf in the fall, dropping from a tree.

As awareness, the distinction between needs and desires is greatly increased. The balance of needs versus desires changes in favor of a few simple needs. Desires drop as if on their own. They are seen to be unable to satisfy.

Awareness, being what it is, is good at just observing. It has little to say. Egos playing, appear to be in a dream, and who can interfere with other's dreams? It becomes easy to be silent. It's like observing a joke that no one gets.

Awareness doesn't hold on to others, and others can become extremely irritated when one doesn't seem to hold on to them as they expect. They may even suspect that one is cold.

There is no going back. Awareness, once realized, cannot be let go. It is basic, like dirt. Basic, because one already is that. It is only a realization, a waking up.

Knowledge Becomes Understanding

What I know as Awareness seems to be taking hold, but it feels more like letting go -- letting go of everything. Everything seems to be at a distance. Even people saying things just doesn't have the meaning it used to have. Sort of frivolous most of the time. So it's like I hear through a fog.

Awareness is here just watching everything. This space I'm in is empty in a sense, but full. The fullness is from a distance, and yet close. Best I can describe it.

No bliss. Just waiting for adjustment to settle in. No rush. I'm not going anywhere, and certainly not doing anything, though things get done. The lack of involvement personally in things is a little odd, but this dispassionate feeling has been coming to the fore for a long time.

Reading Vedanta texts is like fresh clean water that wipes the last bit of dregs from my understanding. Appreciating the tradition of Vedanta is rather different for me, as in most cases, religion for example, tradition is a killer.

But in the case of Vedanta, it is a science. It is not a religion. It is not a set of beliefs. It is more like a path to understanding. The tradition is valid because it works.

It is a science because we are all required to prove it to ourselves. We become the proof. As a science, knowledge is essential. It is a requirement. Trying to permanently capture an experience doesn't work.

For one such as myself who was always attracted to the Jnana aspect, experience alone just didn't cut it. The final knot was undone for me as knowledge became understanding. Not that experience wasn't a part of that knowledge.

Experience becomes knowledge, and knowledge becomes understanding. The heart and the head become knowledge. And understanding is all.

Dead Baby Dream

Among a number of dreams I had last night, I recall only this episode.

A baby died and was buried. Apparently others who knew the baby, people I knew, heard about the death and wanted to make a big deal out of it. They found out where the baby was buried and began digging it up.

It seemed that I was there because those digging were related to me. But it wasn't clear to me who these people were, or how we were related.

The grave was dug up, and the little wooden coffin exposed. The women were all being dramatic about how small the coffin was, and how sad it was for such a young child to die.

Meanwhile, I stood in the background, not really participating. I couldn't feel any sadness. I could see no point in digging up the grave.

I felt no need to work at dredging up feelings about it. I couldn't appreciate the drama of it. It was what is was, and I knew that no one had died. I knew that everything was O.K.

Doubt

What is it that maintains "ignorance of the self" more firmly than anything else? It is doubt, and doubt comes from the intellect, the thinking, discerning mind.

The mind wants understanding on its own terms. It easily confirms and acknowledges experience, but it needs its own form of proof to relax and let go. It may even dislike its own doubt, but if it is honest, it wants satisfaction on its own terms.

As a spiritual seeker, you may have had a number of epiphanies, intense, unitive, and ecstatic experiences. They may have come with immense authority beyond measure. And yet they ended. They disappeared and went away.

Where does that leave you? Satisfied? No! Now you have a huge mote between experience and intellect - a gulf that seems insurmountable. The intellect remains, but the ecstasy is gone.

Without the feeling intensity of the experience, the intellect doubts the validity of what was experienced. Without the authority of the experience in full bloom, the intellect feels bereft.

The intellect acknowledges the experience, but it cannot understand it. It does not have the feeling capacity of the experience. It is left, as in a wasteland, looking for the meaning and significance of the experience.

As you know, experience is often outside the realm of reason, and does not easily succumb to investigation. Doubt sets in and disturbs the mind greatly, with no end to the pain. Somehow the gulf opened up needs to be crossed.

To dispel doubt, the mind needs help. It needs a method to see, on its own terms, what was experienced. So how does the mind examine doubt? It needs to satisfy itself in its own field, with discernment, logic, and reason.
It needs to examine doubt in its own light.

If the cause of doubt resides in the intellect, then the answer has to be satisfactory to the intellect. It needs a means, a science, a method of investigation.

That means is self inquiry. And self inquiry requires brutal honesty, brutal logic, and brutal persistence. This inquiry has to be pursued with the intensity that was revealed in the experiences. Yet this inquiry must be done with the mind, the full participation of the intellect, so the end result is conclusive, without doubt, satisfying the mind.

The intellect needs to have the same degree of satisfaction from inquiry, that the feeling experiential side, of you, received from epiphanies and ecstasies. Where the epiphanies may have come uncalled for, self inquiry is work.

Knowledge via self inquiry takes effort. You have to show up, and you have to do the work. But, like any science, there is a history, and there are methods, and they can make the path straight and narrow. A good scientific method can save years of time.

The science of self inquiry, Advaita Vedanta, has been around for a long time. How many thousands of years is not really known, but it has proven its worth over these years, and it works today. It is not a belief system, nor a religion, but a systematic means with various techniques that can lead to the end of doubt and the end of seeking.

The term "enlightenment" came out of the ancient East where is was defined and refined. They honed the terms, the methods, the questions, and the pointers. They have left it to us in the Vedas. But it is up to each one of us to take up the inquiry and find the answer for him or herself. 

The end of seeking may not be bliss, but it is peaceful, and it is satisfying. The force is with you.

A Perfect World

Ah, this perfect world! Awareness loves all of it, and just the way it is! The perfection is that it couldn't be any other way. There is no measure by which to claim anything less than perfection.

What meaning there is, is in the mystery. The body-mind thing need not concern itself. It is but a localized view anyway, one of many. Nothing is really happening, even though it appears to be. 

These localized views can be ignorant and mistaken, but it matters not. There is nothing wrong with the ignorance, for it is only apparent. Each and every being is innocent. There is never a guilty verdict.

When one knows that he is the knower, what more is there to know? The quest is over. No seeking has ground. It doesn't matter what happens next. No plan has any effect. All is still.

The end of time is the end of seeking. Death has lost it's sting. The knower and the known are one. The gestalt has shifted. The one is the One. All ones are One. No two exist.

When one steps out of time there is no going back. Each step goes nowhere. Every step that is taken is always here. Only this moment, always now.

When Understanding Dawns

When understanding dawns, so many things drop away. The needs you used to have fall like leaves from a tree, preparing for winter. The future is nothing to worry about. It will be exactly as it is supposed to be.

You no longer have to clean your mind, or watch your mind, it is stilled by understanding. Whatever thoughts arise are seen to be useful or not. No matter. If they are to be acted upon they will, if not, not.

Even prayer does not arise. When everything is known to be perfect, and everything is unfolding perfectly, what is to be prayed for? What needs to be changed? Since you are That, who will you pray to?

Everything becomes simple. There is a body to be taken care of, but it is not you. You provide what it needs. The mind no longer needs much as ego needs have dissolved. If such a need appears to arise, there is nothing behind it, to drive it forward, and it dies after arising. No effort involved.

There is only one Will operating in the universe. Aligned with That, what is an appearance going to do? It is not even possible to consider. Nothing left to do, but relax into That.

Understanding takes the person out of the picture, as the many become One. The personal becomes impersonal. Everything stands as It IS, as It always has been, and always will be.

There is only stillness, You watch the changing scenery, knowing that nothing is happening. Nothing has ever changed. Peace is all there Is.

The Three States

The sages repeatedly refer to the three states all humans know: being awake, dreaming sleep, and deep dreamless sleep.

I always wondered why these states were so commonly referred to. What was the significance of these states? What was being pointed out?

I awoke from deep sleep with this on my mind. "If enlightenment is the deep understanding that 'I am Awareness,' how does this relate to the three states?"

I began to ponder what would be another way to say, "I am Awareness." What came to mind was "Presence Being Aware." With this interpretation I took another look at the three states. I was looking to see what could stand behind the three states. I wrote down the definitions that came to mind.

1. Being awake = Presence Being conscious.

2. Dream Sleep = Presence Being subconsciously imaginative.

3. Deep sleep = Presence Being aware of nothing.

What I like about these definitions is that it is apparent that the One thing standing behind the three states is Awareness. I also like the fact that these definitions make a distinction between awareness and consciousness.

Needless to say, I have always felt that a distinction needed to be made between awareness and consciousness. It has always been an irritation to me that  many use these words interchangeably. The distinction that I feel needs to be made, is that Awareness is attribute-less and consciousness is not.

This distinction removes the need to refer to awareness as pure consciousness. We can now say that Awareness is the attribute-less field in which anything can become conscious, and it is the objects that have attributes.

Now, back to the definitions of the three states as defined above, their significance seems to be clearer. The sages are pointing out that in deep dreamless sleep, you are not there. At least you are not there as a person. Presence is there as Awareness, ready to wake up, but no person is there.

If reality is changeless, and you as a person are not present in deep dreamless sleep, then the person you think you are is not real because it disappears every night. Presence is there, but a person is not.

In dreaming sleep, you as a person appears. Your subconscious which thinks in symbols, creates stories from the interaction of symbols. Since you are there, you may remember the dream when you awake. What was also there was Awareness.

In the waking state, you know yourself, and your dreams, and your restful sleep. The peaceful rest you report was while you were gone, during deep dreamless sleep. So the report can only come from Awareness which was there. That which was present during dreamless sleep is also present in the waking state, Awareness.

The importance of the three states for the sages has been to point out that during part of every day, you as a person are not there. Therefore, you appear and disappear. This makes you only an appearance in reality.

Only that which stands behind the three states and doesn't change, can be reality. That which you really are is Awareness. This establishes the fact that the definition of enlightenment as the deep understanding that "I am Awareness" is correct.

What are we looking for?

One of the problems for seekers is the fact that they are searching for something (Enlightenment) which they have not clearly defined. What is worse, there are countless teachers talking about Enlightenment who also do not define what they are talking about.

We can assume that in the seeker there is a strong sense of something missing. The strength of this longing validates the seeking. So the seeker is off on the journey seeking enlightenment. However, because that "something" remains undefined, the seeker is subject to looking everywhere and anywhere.

The goal being undefined, leaves the seeker listening to anyone and everyone who claims to know something about the subject. Not knowing what it is, anyone could have it. Anything could be it! The seeker is now subject to any and all pseudo logic and experiential pablum. What is the seeker to do?

First, the seeker must realize that if one does not want to spend forty years looking under every rock, and behind every bush, one needs to have some idea of what the goal is. Some definition of what enlightenment is, needs to be determined. Without a good definition of the destination, it is only a wilderness.

If we begin by noting that the conclusion of the Vedas is that Consciousness is all there is, and that it is non-dual, perhaps we can define these and related terms, and chart a possible path.

If you look at the definitions below, gleaned from on-line dictionaries and shortened, one might begin to be able to define what Enlightenment is. The four words that are fundamental are: knowledge, experience, consciousness, awareness.

Knowledge: The sum or range of what has been or can be perceived, discovered, experienced, or learned.

Experience: Direct personal participation in, or perception of, or observation of, a particular incident, thought or feeling, that can be remembered and its impact known. It may be considered subjective, but not easily dismissed.

Consciousness: The sum total of everything that can be experienced, thought, felt, perceived, conjured, or known.

Awareness: That which allows sense data, however subtle or gross, to be registered as consciousness. That which is aware of everything is Awareness, and everything that can be known or experienced, happens in Awareness. All that is, or can be known, is consciousness, and consciousness appears in Awareness.

Based on these definitions, we may be able to mark a path to enlightenment.

1. If everything is one, then individuality is an appearance.

2. If individuality is an appearance, and I exist, then to know who I am, I must find the source of the appearance.

3. To find the source of appearance I need to get rid of my doubts and prove to myself that consciousness is all there is, and that my body-mind is an appearance only.

4. To prove that consciousness is all there is, I need to analyze all my sensory input, all perceptions, and determine that everything that appears out there, and in here, is in fact, experience only.

5. Once I know that everything is an interpretation only, and that all interpretation is consciousness only, I still need to know where consciousness appears.

6. Consciousness appears in Awareness. Awareness is the ultimate perceiver, for it has no attributes. It is the capability, the capacity, and the potentiality of knowing anything and everything.

7. If anything and everything that has ever been conscious, can become conscious, or will become conscious, appears in Awareness, then that is what I am. As the enlightened have always said, "That thou art."

What Ends the Search

Vedanta is said to be the "knowledge that ends the search for knowledge." I have found this to be true. The bottom line of searching is to finally know with certainty who I am. When one finally sees that one can be nothing other than Awareness, what more is there to look for? One can't go any further because Awareness is attribute-less and not an object of experience.

No more questions can be asked. It is the end of the road. A great peace descends. There is no more great itch to scratch. There is also absolute certainty that there is no one who needs saving, and no reason to shout it from the mountain tops.

There is no one here and nothing is really happening, only appearances with mistaken identities. What is said to be obvious by the sages, has always been true. Once the obstacle of ignorance has been removed, with knowledge, understanding arrives. Awareness is the knower, and consciousness is all there is.

The method for removing the obstacles has been around for a long time. It is called Advaita Vedanta. It was recorded, written down by the sages of India, thousands of years ago. It was not hearsay then, and it is not hearsay now. It is not fuzzy logic.

It worked thousands of years ago, and it works today. It is a tried and true method for removing the the ignorance that clouds the minds of apparent persons. When the ignorance is removed, one sees one's true nature as Awareness. It feels natural because it is true.

Vedanta is a true science of mind. It has only one goal -- the removal of the mind's ignorance of its true nature. It is proved each time an apparent individual uses the method and finds the Self as undivided Awareness.

Vedanta asks no one to simply believe. It may require some faith in the teacher or the scriptures, but the whole system is based on inquiry. It asks in myriad ways, "Is this true? Is this true? And one has to do the inquiry oneself, to prove it to oneself.

If you want to get a taste of the method, a good source is "Notes on Spiritual Discourses of Shri Atmananda," taken by Nitya Tripta. These are the inquiries of students of Sri Atmananda Krishna Menon." It is a free download from a number of sources on the Internet. 

The sages confidently say, "Prove it to yourself. No one can do it for you." Try it. It works.

http://www.advaita.org.uk/discourses/downloads/notes_pdf.zip

Anxiety and The Racing Mind

I don't worry about being here "now." Whatever is on my mind is here now, whether I am thinking only about what I am typing now, or bringing the past into the present moment, or bringing the future into the present moment. Everything is now. In fact everything is always just this.

It seems to me that when people talk about having trouble being in the now, they are really talking about intrusive thoughts, a racing mind bringing in thoughts about the past or the future. In effect, worry. It is a form of anxiety. I used to have that problem, but I don't any more.

I would advise not to try and directly stop the racing mind. Directly stopping the racing mind is impossible because the racing mind is a result, a symptom of unresolved issues. To stop the racing mind the issues need to be resolved. In other words, the stopping of the racing mind is an indirect result of resolving issues.

What I am trying to point out is that you can spend years trying to stop or control a racing mind and only succeed in wasting a lot of time. The racing thoughts problem isn't going to be stopped by force of will. It is only going to stop when the cause is removed.

In my case I was not looking to stop my racing mind. I was looking to resolve the inordinate mental anguish I was immersed in. At one point I even became aware that my mind was racing because I was trying to outrun my pain - trying to think my way out of it.

If there is an enormous amount of pain, and you try and rationalize your way out of it, your mind is going to race. The racing thoughts are are trying to outrun pain, they are screaming, "You need to resolve this!" Not doing so results in anxiety.

You see, the reality is, you experienced pain, or mental anguish, and somehow you did not fully experience it. It got repressed. You have unfinished business. On a personal level, to get back in touch with reality, the unexperienced pain needs to be felt. It needs to be felt to put you back in touch with your personal reality.

Now, I am all about getting to Impersonal Consciousness or Awareness. But it is going to be difficult to get there, if you have a ton of personal stuff in the way. Consciousness wants to experience everything, and if you have unfelt pain, it is going to insist that you feel it. Consciousness isn't going to avoid anything. It will not let you off the hook.

In my case, I went to a therapist who did Gestalt work. It was done in a group. I primarily worked on my dreams because they spoke the truth of what was going on in me. And what the dreams were symbolizing over and over was the pain.

When I did break through into the pain, it was enormous, and it was terrifying, and yet the experiencing of it allowed it to leave. At first it seemed bottomless, but eventually it cleared itself out. This did take a few years.

What happened when the pain was experienced and let go of? There was nothing left to try and outrun with my mind. I didn't have to try and rationalize my way around it. The result was a quiet mind.

Since then my mind has been extremely quiet. It thinks, but very little, and it doesn't have thoughts coming in unwanted, or having some other agenda, other than whatever task I am presently doing.

At work, whatever I am working on is all that is going on. Away from work, most of my leisure is spent on thinking about, or experiencing non-duality. It is what I want to think about. It is what I am. There are no intrusive thoughts.

If you really want to look at the issue of repressed pain and its relation to a racing, anxious, mind, read the book "The Primal Scream" by Arthur Janov. It made a difference for me.

Enlightenment is not a Particular Experience

There is a problem with enlightenment. The problem is that it seems to have a myriad of definitions. If one cannot define it, then how, even after fifty years as a seeker, would one ever know one had achieved it. This shocking thought has probably come to most seekers at some point. Ramesh Balsekar talks about this in one of his videos on youtube.

Most seekers start out reading about enlightenment, trying to understand. There is a lot of literature that talks about experience, especially the Western mystical literature. The experience of the Saints describes a variety of mystical experiences in the pursuit of God.

Seekers read these accounts with avid interest. The experiences seem out of this world, way beyond normal, and seekers may unconsciously take in the belief that enlightenment requires one to have this type of experience. Worse yet, the seeker may take on the belief that this type of experience is enlightenment.

Sooner or later, the dedicated seeker is likely to have one or more of this type of experience. These are very powerful, and often carry an authority that is beyond words. The power of such an experience is utterly meaningful, and has the feel of the absolute.

Then the experience, however wonderful and ecstatic  passes, and one is dropped back into one's normal state.
Dropping back into one's normal state after an ecstatic experience of Oneness is not fun. It feels like one has lost one's most precious friend, lost the most meaningful experience one has ever had.

This loss may even lead to depression, because after the experience has gone, the normal state of the world seems barren, like a desert, a no man's land. This is a problem.

The problem with these experiences is largely due to their power. They are so powerful and meaningful that one is easily convinced that "This is it. This is enlightenment. This is what I have been looking for. This is what I have to keep to be enlightened." And so the experiencer is off in hot pursuit of regaining the experience.

But what if such experiences are not enlightenment? What if this is just an experience, although a powerful one, and not enlightenment? What if enlightenment is not an experience? What if the experience is just a message, a special message, designed to wake you up to something more permanent?

Experiences come and go, no matter how mundane or high and out of this world. Doesn't enlightenment have to be something more permanent than a state, an experience? Realization is a waking up to Reality, and Reality is unchanging. What do we do then, with an experience that is mystical, beatific, ecstatic beyond words?

The only thing we can do is examine it. What is the message of such an experience? Obviously it is a message that points to something deeper, more permanent. So we need to ask questions. We need to know what the experience means. What might it be pointing to?

We could ask, "Who did this experience come to?" Now we are back into "Self Inquiry." A good place to be, as this self
inquiry is a method expounded by the sages. Self inquiry is also not a search for experience, but for knowledge and understanding.

By the time a seeker is having mystical experiences of this nature, it is likely that they have also discovered that we are not who we thought we were. Perhaps we have even read that we are consciousness, and that life is actually impersonal. If we apply this knowledge to our mystical ecstatic epiphanies, we can go deeper yet.

As all experiences come and go, this ecstatic experience is like all others, a pointer, not the Reality, because Reality is unchanging. If the experience then, is not enlightenment, and we need deeper understanding, what do we use?

This is where the mind comes in. On examination, we can come to some conclusions. Since experience comes and goes, it can't be enlightenment. So what doesn't come and go? Awareness doesn't come and go. Where is awareness? Everywhere. I have awareness. My teacher has awareness. My dog and cat have awareness. Awareness never changes. Awareness is real.

One plus one equals two, no matter what experience you are having. Awareness is, no matter what experience you are having. It is the background of all your experience. You are Awareness whether you know it or not. But when you know it, it is knowledge you can count on.

Considering the unreality of experience, and considering the fact that you exist and are aware, it is apparent that enlightenment is the knowledge that one is Awareness. Of course this is not just an intellectual knowledge, but a deep and abiding knowledge, an understanding that includes one's whole effort: experiences, thinking, intuition and heart.

If one knows that one is Awareness, with conviction, on direct observation, including all one's experience, all one's thinking, and all one's heart, then one's knowledge is firm. This understanding is enlightenment. Understanding is all.

The Background of Vedanta

A person has many varied experiences in a day, yet somehow one still knows, I am me. One may feel happy or sad, thoughtful or anxious, the states come and go. Experiencing all these different states, one might think the person would feel discontinuous, but that doesn't appear to happen. One still considers oneself an individual.

How is it that one doesn't loose oneself? The inference is that there is something stable behind the individual, something ongoing, something real. The unchanging background of awareness is what Vedantins call it. And the One who knows this is called "Realized."

As the person remains himself, or herself, despite the constant changes, just so, consciousness itself remains one, despite having the experience of billions of different bodies. Not only is this similar to the person's sense of retaining individuality, it is the same thing, for the background of all persons, that which provides the background, is Consciousness itself.

Vedanta establishes that there is no difference between an individual having various passing feelings and thoughts, and consciousness having the experience of billions of bodies. The person passes in an out of feelings and thoughts, and Consciousness knows the passing in and out of experience, of all the bodies.

The experience of the individual, and the experience of Consciousness are One and the same. The only difference is that the individual feels that his body-mind owns the consciousness, whereas, in fact, the individual is only a focal point in consciousness. The mistaken identity is simply ignorance. To "realize," is simply to see through the ignorance.

Body-mind states come and go, yet the person knows himself as one. Consciousness experiences the coming and going of bodies, yet knows itself as One. The coming and going of body-minds does not split consciousness into the many. There is only One in many forms. Realize that and be free.

Common Awareness

I am aware of seeing through these eyes and viewing objects. I am aware of thinking about the objects I see. But who or what is looking out of these eyes?

I did not create this body I am looking out from. Neither did I create this mind that seems to possess this body. This being the case, this body-mind is an object - not a personal self.

If this body-mind is an object, who, or what, is looking out these eyes? Who or what is taking in the scenery? Who or what is experiencing this particular body-mind?

Since I did not create this body-mind, calling it "myself," is rather immodest, a taking of liberties. No object in the universe is known to be uncreated. It appears that this body-mind must be an object of that which created it. I can acknowledge this much, but who then, is here?

For that which created me to be here, looking out of my eyes, it must be something subtler than this body. If it can be inside of this body, and look out my eyes, it must be something formless, yet aware.  

I can neither see nor touch what is here looking out, yet it is definitely here. That subject is what I have always been looking for, even when I didn't know what I was looking for.

What is looking out my eyes, your eyes, all eyes? We can all agree we have a common Source. So whatever is present behind our eyes, must be common to us all.

What is common to us all: humans, animals, and all of life? Nothing but Awareness, the Grand Subject, the Great I, playing on its own stage.

I am That. You are That. All is That. Nothing personal. Gloria in Excelsis Deo!

Knowledge is Power

A simple story of lights in the office where I work is a good example of ignorance.

Most mornings when I get to the office the lights in my area are on. Some mornings, they are not. It turns out that a few people know how to turn the lights on and the rest are ignorant of it. Until that person comes in, and I don't know who they are, we sit in the dark.

Typically, when the lights are out, we wait for someone to come in who knows how to turn the lights on. Usually it's just a few minutes, then miraculously, the lights come on.

One morning, I sat in the dark for a long time. I could see my monitor, but not the keyboard. I happened to go by the desk of someone close by, also sitting in the dark. I asked him, "Do you know who knows how to turn on the lights?"

"Sure," He answered, "I know how to do it."  As he got up to go do it, I said, "Perhaps I should follow you and see how you do it?" I followed him around the corner and a few feet down the hall where there was a light switch. He flicked the switch, and on came the lights.

"Funny," I said, "I have passed by that switch hundreds of times and never noticed it. Knowledge is power, isn't it?" He answered, "Yes," with a big grin.

Enlightenment is a lot like this. Awareness is familiar, it is close, we live and breathe within it, but we don't know it is there. Meister Eckhart gave us a clue when he said, "The eye with which I see God is the same eye with which God sees me."

Awareness is staring us in the face, 24/7, and staring back at us as well, 24/7. We just don't notice it. We don't even know to look!

Assuming that the darkness is noticed, and that there is earnestness to find the light, all we need is correct knowledge and the willingness to look. Knowledge opens the door to the fact that Awareness is what we are, not something we have. The right pointers and an open mind bring understanding.

Years can be spent looking with Awareness at Awareness, for enlightenment, without knowing that we are what we are looking for. Without recognition, we can be it, and not know it. Knowledge awakens us to what we have always been, but overlooked.

Thank God for the teacher that can point at the knowledge, because he knows where it is.

Awareness is Not a State

Awareness is not a state. It is that on which states appear. You cannot experience awareness itself because you are awareness, yet everything you experience is in awareness.

The beauty of awareness not being a state, is that you cannot loose it. In fact, you have never been without it. You don't have to do anything to have it, it is already yours.

The reflection of enlightenment in awareness, however, may change what is experienced. An enlightened mind may experience life differently: the absence of suffering, or less frustration with the way things are. 

When one first gets a glimpse of oneness, the mind may feel an overwhelming bliss, or ecstasy, but bliss will not last. It is a great experience, but it is not permanent, and it is not enlightenment. When it goes, one may be rather dismayed, yet if one can take the experience as a pointer, it may lead to the understanding that is enlightenment.

With or without that blissful experience, you are awareness. Enlightened or not, you are awareness. You can't feel awareness directly. It is a potentiality, a constant, eternal readiness for experience.

Awareness is the foundation, the potentiality, for knowing, for experiencing, any and all things - however gross or subtle. It is the field in which interpretations of experience are labeled good or bad.

Enlightenment then, if not a state, can be nothing but understanding - understanding of the fact of non-duality. Those who understand we call enlightened. Yet all, with or without understanding, are awareness, and are standing in non-duality.

Experience is experience, it does not necessarily translate into knowledge. And it is knowledge that is required for enlightenment. Enlightenment is not getting something you didn't have, it is the realization that you are that - eternal awareness, waiting, ready for anything.

In enlightenment, you realize that the ordinary is okay. You do not need what is not in the world, you know that whatever is out there, or not out there, does not affect you. Your happiness is not out there, and seeking for self has ended.